


you're like a silver bullet in my heart

by apollothyme



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, This is a bit of a mess for which I apologize except not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2013-01-24
Packaged: 2017-11-26 18:15:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollothyme/pseuds/apollothyme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus falls in love on a Wednesday. </p><p>There’s nothing special about it being a Wednesday as far as Remus knows, but it’s something that sticks to his mind regardless. It’s a Wednesday, two miserable days after a weekend of rest and quiet studying and another two days before more rest and quiet studying. There will be pudding for dinner and a meeting of the Arithmancy club at a quarter past six. It’s a Wednesday and Remus just fell in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're like a silver bullet in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote tidbit by tidbit whenever I found the time, so sorry if it's a bit messy! For the lovely [Sarah](http://professorrlupin.tumblr.com/), who is frankly too good to me.

 

 

 

_it’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you. everything i do,_  
_i tell you all the time - heaven is a place on earth with you._

 

  
  
  
“You’re like a silver bullet in my heart,” Remus says one lazy, spring afternoon, making Sirius looks at him with bafflement in his eyes.  
  
“What do you mean?” He asks and Remus barely manages to repress the urge to let out a sarcastic chuckle. He’s never been one to purposely hurt others, but he reckons right now, he wouldn’t mind making Sirius feel a tenth of what he feels.  
  
“You really don’t get it, do you?”

Remus is tired. He’s always been tired, ever since he was bitten and his whole world changed in the blink of an eye, but Sirius has this uncanny ability to drain all the life force inside of him with just one of his charming, white smiles and leaving Remus so exhausted he can barely keep himself upright.  
  
It’s awful how Sirius doesn’t even have to try, how all he has to do is exist to leave Remus aching and broken and so tired of wanting things he can’t have.  
  
“Don’t get what?” Sirius asks and there’s real worry in his eyes, real pain caused by the sight of his best friend being upset and by not knowing why Remus feels like this, which is funny, if you think about how Sirius is the one unknowingly causing the pain.  
  
“Forget it,” Remus says and an everlasting hope in his heart wishes Sirius will do the exact opposite.  
  
//  
  
“You’re disgusting,” James says and Remus has to hold back another sob.  
  
Behind him some people laugh, others crack whips against their their calloused hands, most have repulsed looks on their faces, all do nothing.  
  
“You’re an abomination,” little Peter says, standing tall and proud in a way Remus has never seen him before, as if humiliating Remus has brought new life into Peter’s usually cowered frame.  
  
From somewhere far away a voice asks, “when are we killing the beast?” and even though the insult is nothing new to him, even though he already knew this was going to be his fate, the words still cut through him like a sharp blade, making Remus whimper and bite down on his cut lip.  
  
He’s on his hands and knees with a perfect view of the three people he used to call ‘best friends’, but he has his head down, unable and unwilling to look up and see the disgust in his friends’ faces.  
  
“I hate you,” Sirius says and his words are so bitter, so full of hate and so desperate to wound that're enough to bring Remus back from his harsh nightmare, taking him to a softer reality like a bucket of fresh water on his face.  
  
//  
  
Remus falls in love on a Wednesday.  
  
There’s nothing special about it being a Wednesday as far as he knows, but it’s something that sticks to his mind regardless. It’s a Wednesday, two miserable days after a weekend of rest and quiet studying and another two days before more rest and quiet studying. There will be pudding for dinner and a meeting of the Arithmancy club at a quarter past six. It’s a Wednesday and Remus has just fallen in love.  
  
If he's perfectly honest, it's not so much as ‘falling in love’ as it is ‘finally realizing he’s in love’, which doesn't sound as good and makes him sound pretty dumb. What kind of person doesn't realize they're in love?  
  
And the thing is, if Remus is truly being honest, it’s probable that he’s been in love for most of his life, ever since he and Sirius met.

It wasn't like Remus had much of a choice. Sirius is like a charm bomb, all easy grins and luxurious words and expensive perfume from France. All he has to do is smile, talk with his rich, sultry accent and BAM! You’re hooked, like a stupid trout who goes after the colourful bait whenever they sees it even though they've seen dozens of their brothers disappear the same way. 

That’s a nice way to describe Sirius, come to think of it. He’s a colourful bait, too good to be true and yet so believable. Remus is the stupid fish, hopeful and blind to anything but what he desires, too content with that thought to be aware of anything else.  
  
Of course most people get over it their infatuation once they realize how much of a pompous arse Sirius Black is, but leave it to Remus to skip that part.

Remus falls in love on a Wednesday with a boy and the promise of adventure, and never figures out how fall out.

//  
  
“What did you mean?” Sirius asks him later that day, after he finally catches Remus in their dorm room.  
  
Remus had spent the entire afternoon avoiding Sirius, embarrassed by his own words as soon as the anger cleared away from his mind. It wasn’t Sirius’ fault that Remus fell prey to anxiety nightmares every night of the week, but try getting that through Remus’ thick skull covered in cold sweat after yet another night without sleep.  
  
“Remus what did you mean? I’m like a silver bullet in your heart?” Sirius is trying to look mad, his twitching eyebrows and open nostrils say that without much effort, but all of it is just an act that the hurt in his eyes and the downwards curve of his lips fails to hide. He’s obviously hurt by Remus earlier confession and that’s not fair, is it? If anyone should be hurt by what’s going, it’s Remus. He’s the one stuck with dealing with being in love with Sirius ‘Goddamn’ Black.  
  
The corner of Remus’ eye searches for the nearest exit but before Remus can move, Sirius has him pinned against the nearest wall of their dorm with rough movements and a death grip on Remus’ left arm that will surely leave a mark.  
  
At least James and Peter aren’t there. Remus would hate to think what his friends would do if they saw Sirius treating him like this. They’d probably get angry on Remus’ behalf, which would just serve to further humiliate Remus, whose biggest wish is for the ground to swallow him whole sometime soon so he can finally get a break from everything.  
  
“Do you honestly not know?” Remus asks, because he never thought of himself as nothing more than painfully obvious about his crush on Sirius. Everyone else seemed to be aware of it, go figure that Sirius is the only one that doesn’t have a single clue and isn’t actually, like Remus had hoped, still trying to figure out a way to let Remus down gently.  
  
“No, so just tell me. Let me fix this,” Sirius practically begs as he moves closer, ignoring Remus’ personal space like he’s done so many times before with a casualty only he could have.  
  
Sirius breath is warm, faintest tinge of pumpkin juice in his every exhale that kind of makes Remus want to cry because this is so not fair, all of this is cruelly not fair. Remus’ life is already a hot mess and telling Sirius how feels, as well as losing Sirius’ friendship since this is far from Sirius’ fixing abilities, won’t make anything better.  
  
“I--” Remus begins to say but stops short once he realizes that he can’t put how he feels into words. That he himself can’t make sense of how his heart stutters in the mornings when he sees Sirius wake up with the weirdest bed hair, how his stomach rolls on itself a thousand times and almost makes Remus throw up when Sirius smiles at him, how Remus wants to give Sirius the whole world, how he loves Sirius so much it physically pains him.  
  
He can’t put it into words because no words would ever be able to properly describe Sirius Black.  
  
“You?” Sirius asks, egging Remus to keep speaking. Remus’ tongue is tied though, so he does the next best thing he can think of that will put an end to everything, and kisses Sirius.  
  
Sirius is perfectly still for what must be a mere second but feels like a whole year, hands still wrapped around Remus’ skinny arms and lips frozen together. This is before something clicks inside Sirius’ head and a fire begins to burn in the confinements of his mind. He opens his mouth without reservations and lets out a tiny sigh, leaning heavily into Remus as one of his hands moves to the back of Remus’ neck and the other to Remus’ waist.  
  
Remus is too tired to figure out what’s happening, so he delights himself in letting things roll and enjoying the moment while it lasts, still confident in the fact that Sirius doesn’t like him back -- something he’s believed in for far too long to stop now.  
  
Sirius kisses with the belief that there’s absolutely nothing better he could be doing right then and there. He kisses like the chapped lips between his teeth are his new life line, like the tongue he’s sucking softly is the eight goddamn wonder of the world, like the sounds Remus is making are Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. Sirius kisses like he’s just found out that the meaning of life is Remus’ mouth and he doesn’t ever want to forget.  
  
Remus had already known this, since rumours fly freely like hippogriffs inside Hogwarts and it is literally impossible to go a day without hearing a girl talk about the wonder that is Sirius Black. He had never been at the receiving end of the line though, and so he finds his knees turning into jelly and his brain melting out of his ears as Sirius, forbid Remus’ choice of words, quietly rocks Remus’ world with a knee between Remus’ thighs and a skill that could put gods to shame.  
  
“You can’t do this,” Remus finally manages to say when Sirius begins to pull them towards the nearest bed. His brain has finally decided to work but obviously it’s still not in full strength as the next words said by Remus are, “you can’t do this to me. I already love you enough.”  
  
“And I don’t love you?” Sirius lets go of Remus to look at him straight in the eyes, a heavy frown now covering his face and Remus hates to see Sirius like this but he hates knowing he’s the one that made this happen more. “Fuck, Remus -- I’d give you the whole bloody world if you asked. I’d do anything for you.”  
  
And that -- that is too much to hear, too much to process, too much to believe.  
  
_Boom!_ goes the ticking bomb inside Remus’ heart and everything after that looks very much like nothing.  
  
//  
  
Remus lets Sirius see his scars. He lets Sirius kiss every single one them and trace their crooked lines with his lips and whisper sweet nothings into Remus’ skin. He lets Sirius see everything and tries not to think about what it all means.  
  
Sirius says he’ll take care of Remus, over and over again, until the words are barely a string of conscious noise inside Remus’ foggy brain. He wraps his long fingers around Remus’ cock and makes Remus’ world go white, white, white.  
  
In return, Remus sucks Sirius’ dick and catalogs all the sounds Sirius makes. He presses Sirius’ hips back against the mattress and bites the skin above his hipbone on a whim, wanting to leave a mark.  
  
It’s all too much and too little at the same time.  
  
Remus doesn’t mind because in the midst of getting his dick sucked by his best friend, Sirius promised Remus they’d time to do this again and again and again, as well as doing anything else Remus wanted, be it fuck in the potions class or take a walk through Hogsmeade with their hands entwined and Remus believes him.  
  
//  
  
James speaks to Sirius about Remus’ virtue and promises to kick Sirius’ pansy arse to the ground if he so much as makes Remus shed a single lonely tear on a Friday afternoon.  
  
Remus knows all of this because Sirius thinks that now that they’re together, they’re supposed to share everything with each other. Remus doesn’t mind this. He accepted a long time ago that keeping things from Sirius was simply too difficult and too maddening for him to do. Also, he thinks it’s kind of cute.  
  
“You’re not going to hurt me,” Remus finds himself thinking out loud. He says this with easy conviction, knowing fully well that if anyone is going to be hurting anyone in their relationship, it’s going to be him. He’s the werewolf after all.  
  
It’s a deprecating thought, Remus is perfectly aware of this and he’s sure Sirius is too even though he can’t read Remus’ unsaid thoughts. It’s also most likely unrelated to the hurt Sirius is referring to, but it’s the first thing that comes to Remus’ minds.  
  
Sirius notices this. He notices how Remus has just changed the topic from the emotional, psychological, one-day-I-might-abandon-you-without-a-word sort of pain to the physical, literal, there’s-a-chance-of-me-killing-you-on-every-full-moon kind of pain.  
  
Sirius allows Remus to do this. Except for the way he doesn’t, not really, not underneath all the lines.  
  
“I could. I’m very dangerous, you know,” Sirius says as he nips the skin underneath Remus’ right ear.  
  
They’re snuggled comfortably in Sirius’ bed, lazy thoughts and slow conversation floating in the air around them as they’re both too comfortable to say or do anything with even the remotest form of energy. Oh and they’ve just had mind-blowing sex, which always slows down their brains considerably.  
  
“Are you?” Remus asks playfully.  
  
The silence that follows Remus’ questions seems to last forever.  
  
“Yes,” He says quietly and Remus can’t tell what kind of hurt they’re talking about anymore.  
  
Remus has to fight against the words now threatening to spill from his lips until he can’t take it anymore and says, “I’d still trust you, even if you hurt me. At this point I don’t think it matters what you do, to be honest. I’ll always trust you.”  
  
“Should you?” Sirius asks, all pure honesty and open vulnerability, with his eyes closed and his mouth heavy on Remus’ skin.  
  
“I’m a bit of a scarred mess, but you don’t seem to care and hell Sirius, how could I not trust that?”  
  
Sirius doesn’t answer.  
  
//  
  
For Remus’ birthday Sirius gives him a box full of delicious, incredibly expensive chocolate in front of everyone. It’s the kind of chocolate Remus couldn’t afford even in his dreams, the sort that melts in the tip of your tongue and sends shivers down your body after a tiny bite. It’s delicious, and Remus’ blush reaches his hips as he says ‘thank you’.  
  
Later that day, after Sirius has managed to sneak them into a deserted classroom without anyone seeing them, he gives Remus a tiny, golden amulet, shaped like a clock with the inscription ‘i loved you when i first met you, i love you now, i’ll love you forever’.  
  
Remus blushes even more then, stammers an even shakier ‘thank you’ and kisses Sirius for all his worth.  
  
As Sirius pushes him against a dusty desk, Remus thinks about the silver bullet in his heart that never quite went away but didn’t stay either. The one that’s still there, quietly waiting for the chance to make itself conspicuous again.  
  
That thought bothers Remus. It makes him feel scared and small and young again. Maybe a bit surprisingly though, it’s not enough to make Remus want to run away because regardless of how scared he might be, he’s also happy and warm, and it’s all Sirius Black’s doing.


End file.
